Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Celebrating Mothers

by Dr. Tony Calabrese and Patricia Calabrese, PMH-NP

Google trending topics on motherhood and what will you find? Discussions on family dinners, “over-parenting,” gifted children and birthing techniques. Look for articles about Mother’s Day in most popular magazines and you will read, somewhere in the piece, about children. When mothers get together, in any forum, their likely topic of conversation is children. Mothers will talk about their own children, other people’s children, famous children, the behavior of children, and all of the elements that surround their care and feeding. An immediate bond forms between two women when they both realize they are raising 4 year old boys. The joys, pains and worries about kids can consume a conversation for an entire afternoon. To commemorate this all important, and all consuming job, Mother’s Day was created, not just to sell greeting cards, but to celebrate the women who are mothers.

So who is a mother? There is no one way to become a mother. There are mothers who have actually given birth, those that mother children birthed by others, and mothers who birth children they can no longer raise themselves. There are mothers, who temporarily raise foster children, and mothers who adopt. But however you come to have a child is secondary to the gifts that you bestow upon them. Mothering is a verb meaning to provide the loving care, guidance and direction an elder gives to a younger, vulnerable child. Mothering is the mechanism for which we first trust our environment, where we are encouraged to do more and take risks while knowing that love, support and guidance is right behind us. Mothering is the essence of leaving this world a little better than the way we found it. Mother Teresa was once asked, “What can you do to promote world peace?” Her response was to go home and love your family.

You can’t have motherhood without children. But Mother’s Day should also be the celebration of the woman and mother in your life for who she is as an individual. Mothers weren’t always mothers; they started out as children themselves and grew into individuals with their own experiences, passions, interests, work history and dreams. For many mothers, being a mother was a personal dream or at least one of them. Many mothers came into motherhood before some of their personal dreams were realized. Mother’s Day should be a time to celebrate mom for the person she is, the person underneath the caring individual, who works so hard preparing children for their day and life.

For many years women were regarded, in part, as only being useful for their mothering skills. Changes occurred during the nineteenth and twentieth centuries when women became more independent, receiving the right to own property, the right to vote and eventually to join a workforce, once dominated by men. Likewise the role of motherhood has also changed, and in some ways it is still evolving. Years ago within in an agrarian society women returned to farm work very soon after giving birth, taking their babies, sometimes swaddled, with them. Compare this to the aristocracy where women sometimes saw very little of their young children, who were primarily mothered by nanny’s.

In recent times, one of the latest trends is this notion of “Having it all.” This notion has described women, who can be the best mother and wife, excel at their careers, and fulfill their personal passions while holding firm to important values. This for sure is a very difficult task indeed. Mothers who attempt to give one hundred percent of their efforts, time and passion to being a mom, wife, employee, PTA member, school fund-raiser, sister, daughter, health-club member, and friend may feel guilty, disappointed or unfilled. Often times, this combination results in one very tired woman, who feels guilty for not being somewhere else. This may also result in many mothers covering up to hide their guilt and fatigue, or mothers who develop a constant state of anger and irritation for the situation they have put themselves into.

However, some mothers feel they actually have it all by redefining what “Having it all” means to them. By prioritizing their roles in the order of importance, mothers may make daily decisions easier. For instance, many mothers need to split their time between work, relationships, children and themselves. Careful insight into important values and priorities help ease these difficult decisions. In doing this though, the person who most often gets lost when prioritizing is mom herself. What happened to the woman who loved architecture or medieval art, basketball, or tennis? Where did she go? Does she no longer love those things that were her passions? Or has she suppressed these personal passions and forgotten what they mean to her? If she enjoyed volunteering, playing the piano, or drawing before being a mom, becoming a mother didn’t take those interests away. So this Mother’s Day, if you are lucky enough to have a mother in your life, take the time to talk to her about the woman she was before her mothering role. Or better yet, plan a day to allow mom to show you her passions, and celebrate the woman who is the mother in your life every day.

Dr. Tony Calabrese is the Director of Psychology and Outpatient Services at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services. He also serves as the Chief Psychologist for the pre-doctoral Psychology internship training program. Patricia Calabrese is a licensed Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and she currently treats children and adolescents at Pine Grove Outpatient Services. She has a professional interest in ADHD and parenting education.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

Friday, April 10, 2015

A promise to do and give something: PRAISES


By Philip Hemphill, Ph.D., LCSW

When we make a promise to be loyal to someone it requires an attitude of commitment and acceptance which hopefully is transferred into behavior. In 1956 Erich Fromm explained in The Art of Loving,

"Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward an “object” of love. If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism…If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. If I can say to somebody else, “I love you,” I must be able to say, I love in you also myself."

This reflects the principles of Love that includes the Love we have for ourselves. Love's first ambitious step is knowing what we think and feel which is followed by the willingness and capacity to communicate it our loved one. Love is grand, idealized, and lasting. It requires us to live in interpersonal harmony with mutual respect. We are expected to have a comfortable balance of individuality and couple hood. When we experience Love both internally and with another, we evolve, mature, and are better able to cope with life's demands. Love becomes a label for the courtship arrangement during which we privately weigh various aspects of the other person. We are trying to determine whether the tenacious bond we have encountered compliment our moral commitment. Love is a force of nature as we grow older and care for each other. Love is a complex array of emotions and includes several illusions. Finally, Love is "because I Love him or her." This phrase is a euphemism for keeping our true experiences private and accepting the spiritual journey that guides our lives. These ten interlocking nouns do not attempt to fully express the complex nature of Love but represent the foundation for an explainable model. Fromm later wrote that Love is so difficult to understand that we can only show acts of it by caring for, knowing, responding, affirming, and enjoying the person.

This explanation provides us with understanding human Love; however spiritual Love is beyond these expressions. First let's consider our life experiences with different attachment figures to fully understand our skill set for Love and relationships. Our early bonds whether secure, unstable, unpredictable, or chaotic ultimately predict our capacity for Romantic Relationships (choice), Relationship Adjustment, Emotional Well-being, Working Models of Ourself/Others, Marital Quality, and Parenting Capacity. I'm reminded of the need to restate the Cartesian dictum of “I think therefore I am” to “He/She [the caregivers] thinks that I am, therefore I am.” These experiences allow us to have a strong commitment to a romantic relationship which is associated with a high degree of cognitive interdependence—signified by tendencies to think about the relationship in a pluralistic (i.e., “we”-focused) manner. This allows us to perceive an overlap between ourself and our partner, and to regard the relationship as a central component of what is significant in our life.

The we-ness includes a powerful Love chemistry of different neurotransmitters: Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Phenylethylamine (PEA), Oxytocin, and Endorphins. This familiarity breeds predictability and leads to greater comfort as our proximity is often reflected in shared interests. Generally, we begin to reveal our concept of human ethics which pertains to matters of RIGHT and WRONG -also referred to as ”good and evil."We openly explore our individual conscience and system of principles while integrating our different cultural, religious, and philosophical beliefs. This produces our Codes of Behavior or Conduct. Therefore, a wonderful way to include our Love for God that is expressed through the Love for an intimate partner is to remember this simply PRAISES intimacy model:

PHYSICAL INTIMACY- Simply means being present for each other; standing together in major and minor tragedies which persist in life; standing up with and to each other, or “fighting” in non-destructive ways; facing and struggling with differences together; ultimately knowing that we are not alone and we must create moments of time together daily; this togetherness is derived from dedication to a common cause, value, and effort.

RECREACTIONAL INTIMACY- Sharing experience of fun, sports, hobbies, recreate your relationship as it develops over time; having ways of refilling the wells of energy and leisure; having a public relationship that mirrors your private relationship; you should commit to doing 15-20 of these activities per week.

AESTHETIC INTIMACY- This is where you are physically attractive to the beauty of each other; sharing experiences of beauty - music, dance, art, theatre, nature, movies, drinking from the common cup of beauty; being creative and helping each other to grow; being co-creators (not “reformers”) of each other and trusting in the beauty of God's Love.

INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY- Sharing the world of ideas; a genuine touching of persons based on mutual respect for each others intellectual capacities (reading, discussing, studying, respectful debating); sharing common tasks; supporting each other in bearing responsibilities; communicating honestly, trusting, truthful, loving; giving constructive feedback; making sure the message you are sending is the message that is being received; and positive confrontation.

SPIRITUAL INTIMACY- Accepting your oneness with God; sharing morals, values, and beliefs with each other; the “we-ness” of sharing any ultimate concerns; sharing the meaning of life, philosophies, and religious experiences; being open to God's Love through your partner; being in the moment but also being committed to the future "Where would you like your relationship to be in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years..."

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY- Making sure you have access to all emotions with your partner not just select ones; this depth awareness and sharing of significant meanings and feelings are required; touching of the innermost selves of two human beings; not being responsible for your partner's emotional state; not trying to change their emotional state (i.e., giving each other space.)

SEXUAL INTIMACY- The beauty of sex is expressed in sensual-emotional satisfaction; the experience of sharing and self abandon while physically merging two persons into one is a representation of God's Love for us; the importance of communicating likes and dislikes is critical; be spontaneous and plan for intimate sexual time; commit to agreed upon variety; accept the limitations that sexual behavior has; don’t worry about frequency “standards”; use the five senses to express.

Consider these gifts that God has given us to verbalize this beauty we call Intimacy: Loving, Sensitive, Brave, Intelligent, Thoughtful, Generous, Loyal, Truthful, Strong, Energetic, Sexy, Decisive, Creative, Involved, Expressive, Active, Careful, Reserved, Adventurous, Receptive, Reliable, Responsible, Dependable, Nurturing, Warm, Open... and try PRAISES.

Dr. Hemphill is the Director of the Professional Enhancement Program at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services. The Professional Enhancement Program (PEP) is a comprehensive continuum of integrated behavioral health treatment services for professionals offered through Pine Grove, one of the nation’s leading treatment facilities. PEP is designed to help professionals with addictions and addictive illnesses, disruptive behavior, boundary violations, personality disorders, interpersonal difficulties, and vocational issues.

About Pine Grove: Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services is an extension of Forrest General Hospital, located in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Pine Grove’s world renowned programs focus on treating gender specific chemical addiction including a specialized track for co-occurring eating disorders. Additionally, Pine Grove offers a focused substance abuse healing program for adults age 55 and over. Other Pine Grove specialty programs include a dedicated professional’s treatment curriculum and a comprehensive evaluation center. Pine Grove also features a program for patients with sexual and intimacy disorder issues. Pine Grove was established in 1984 and has provided nationally and internationally recognized health care for over 30 years. Please visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information about Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Musings on Love and Addiction


By Deborah Schiller, LPC, CSAT-S, CMAT

I have always loved Valentine's Day--every ritual that accompanies the day delights me. When I was young, my mother would place a nickel under each of the kids' breakfast plates, one for each year of our ages. She would serve a hardy breakfast because she knew we would be eating sweets the rest of the day at school. I loved those family traditions. I loved making and exchanging the valentine cards. I loved reading them again and again throughout the day.

Valentine's Day is still my favorite holiday. It is a beautiful celebration of love. I work at Gratitude at Pine Grove helping sex and love addicts. Even though I have seen some of the devastating outcomes from compulsive relationships gone badly, I still honor and cherish love. Working with individuals who "love too much" might sound like an unnecessary profession; how can there be such a thing--love is good, isn't it? How could anyone become addicted to it? The truth is, "love addiction" might be a misguiding term. I wish there was a better way to describe the powerlessness love addicts have over their emotions and the ceaseless longing for connection that produces troublesome behaviors.

Being in love is a wonderful thing. We feel stronger, happier, and more energetic. Our feet barely touch the ground when we experience romantic Love! Love inspires poetry, music, and romantic letters. Our hearts are full when we are in love, and life is great. It becomes natural to see things in an optimistic light. Researchers have discovered that there are strong chemicals flooding our brains during the early stages of being in love causing this brain state.

Oxytocin, a hormone once thought to be only present in the brains of mothers during childbirth and when nursing is now known to be a powerful influence in the brains of people in love. This chemical is known to engender feelings of connection and belonging. It a chemical associated with empathy. Dopamine is another chemical present when we are high on love, so to speak. This neurotransmitter gives us a sense of wellbeing and enables us to feel pleasure. It has been shown that even hearing your cell phone chime can result in additional dopamine flooding into your brain, especially if it might be a call from that special person. That is, it's the reward chemical in your brain that signals to us, "this is a good thing!"

Does knowing that something as magical as romantic Love can be broken down into its chemical components take away its magic? The answer is no, not if you are the one in love. Unfortunately, for some, the compulsion toward romantic and/or erotic Love completely overpowers their lives. The inability to think of anything else--not being able to eat or sleep--never ends. The fear of losing the object of affection is so great that the person will go to any lengths not to experience (what feels like) abandonment. A person addicted to romantic or erotic Love will tolerate extreme levels of abuse rather than be alone. Often this person will have one or more extra relationships waiting in the wings, just in case something happens to the primary relationship. Sadly, this infidelity can be the very behavior that insures the failures of the primary relationship.

People who struggle with extreme forms of love addiction live incredibly difficult lives. They cannot find serenity, peace, or fulfillment with or without a partner. Because humans are wired to be relational, our brains tell us that any separation from others is to be avoided at all costs. Unless the love addicted individual gets into recovery, a painful breakup is inevitable.

The suffering of withdrawal from a love addicted relationship is extreme. Because every thought centers on keeping the object of love close by, it is difficult to make the first move to get help. Like with other addictions, it is usually a friend or family member who steps in to assist the love addict in getting the care and support s/he needs to break this cycle of heartache. Usually intensive professional counseling, either in an outpatient or residential setting, is required. Getting away from the environment in which the person was so caught up in their obsessive thoughts and behaviors can be helpful.

So go ahead and love fully and truly. Don't be afraid to fall. But if you find yourself putting up with an out of control relationship or staying in an abusive or addictive one, help is available. Ask someone who really knows you to share their perspective on the situation. You do not have to be alone. Love should feel good, like Valentine's Day when you were a kid.

Deborah Schiller is the Program Director of Gratitude (formally known as "Gentle Path"), a Pine Grove Program. She is a native of Huntsville, AL, where she completed three years of study at the University of Alabama in Huntsville before finishing her degree at Montevallo University in Montevallo, AL. Ms. Schiller taught School in Selma, AL for three years before getting her Masters degree in Early Childhood Education from Stanford, University in Stanford, CA. She began her family in New York City and taught in schools in Boston, MA, Huntsville, AL, and Redlands, CA. While raising three children, she returned to school, receiving her second Masters degree from The University of South Alabama, Baldwin County, AL, this time in Counseling. Ms. Schiller completed an Internship at The Meadows Treatment Center in Wickenburg, AZ and became a Therapist there. In 2004, Ms. Schiller joined Pine Grove and the Professional Enhancement Program as a Clinical Therapist. She has since worked at Pine Grove’s Gratitude Program as Primary Therapist and Clinical Director.

About Pine Grove: Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services is an extension of Forrest General Hospital, located in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Pine Grove’s world renowned programs focus on treating gender specific chemical addiction including a specialized track for co-occurring eating disorders. Additionally, Pine Grove offers a focused substance abuse healing program for adults age 55 and over. Other Pine Grove specialty programs include a dedicated professional’s treatment curriculum and a comprehensive evaluation center. Pine Grove also features a program for patients with sexual and intimacy disorder issues. Pine Grove was established in 1984 and has provided nationally and internationally recognized health care for over 30 years. Please visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information about Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Getting Un-stuck

by Dr. Tony Calabrese and Patricia Calabrese, PMH-NP

How do we get stuck, and what can we do to get un-stuck? Getting stuck, at first glance, is not nearly as bad as it sounds, and can have some benefits. Being stuck emotionally, means not making any decisions, staying clear of wrong moves, putting in zero effort, and avoiding negative results. Being stuck also means stagnation, a solid routine, and a life without excitement. Being stuck is a place where resentments grow because important decisions are made for us, and attempts at asserting ourselves are challenged.

Of course, there are times of high stress and busy chaotic schedules when people yearn for a dull moment. However, this is different than being stuck. Being stuck usually means living in a stagnant, sometimes unhealthy state. It provides us with certainty, but also leaves us feeling trapped. An adult child living with his parents, working a dead-end job, or using credit cards to pay for everything are situations tied to an economic downturn, but nonetheless are indications of being stuck.

Getting un-stuck requires we assess the reasons we are stuck. Maybe it’s fear, fatigue, indecision, or a lack of knowledge and skills. Next, we have to develop a thoughtful plan of action to clear any barriers. Finally, we have to execute the plan. Most of us are stuck for an instant, before spreading our wings. For instance leaving home, no matter the economic conditions, is something most of us must do at some point in our lives. Even if done right, this change involves angst and most big decisions do. But momentary angst is replaced by feelings of accomplishment which creates self-esteem; which is how we achieve it, since Walmart doesn’t sell self-esteem in a jar.

Dr. Tony Calabrese is the Director of Psychology and Outpatient Services at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services. He also serves as the Chief Psychologist for the pre-doctoral Psychology internship training program. Patricia Calabrese is a licensed Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and she currently treats children and adolescents at Pine Grove Outpatient Services. She has a professional interest in ADHD and parenting education.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Everything in Moderation, Including Moderation

By: Venkat Baskararajan, MD
Psychiatrist, Outpatient Services

The saying, “Everything in moderation, including moderation” in a way refers to human need for indulgence and excess from time to time. All of us can remember eating a little more during Thanksgiving, having a couple of extra drinks or partying a little late, or just waiting up for Santa past our bedtime. All of these little things make the holiday season more memorable.

When the excess and indulgence lasts more than a few days in a row, this can stress out our body. Our body and mind are not independent of each other, so any stress on the body reflects on how we feel or think. So, it’s important to watch out for stressors and have some balance.

Some common stressors during the holidays & how to deal with them:

1- Eating too much or too little

"Those who think they have no time for healthy eating will sooner or later have to find time for illness."

Thanksgiving wouldn’t feel complete if you didn’t stuff yourself, but on most other days it’s important to eat right. Just don’t keep treating yourself to the candy bowl or cookie jar that’s laid out for guests every time you cross the living room.

For a lot of people it’s important to look their best during the holidays and wanting to shed a few pounds before the family photograph gets taken. Starving yourself or skipping meals for days or weeks together can add up to a lot of stress. This sometimes may even backfire and lead to emotional eating. Healthy foods and eating at proper times can give you the body that you need.

Eating unhealthily for days at a time has been shown to make people lethargic, down or irritable. So make sure to eat healthy.

2- Sleeping too little or too much

It is very easy to get thrown off your schedule during the holiday season. You may end up sleeping too little as you may be doing some extra cooking and cleaning.. Or you may end up sleeping more because you don’t have to go to work.

On an average we need 7-8 hours of sleep, but it varies from person to person. Variation in sleep for more than a few days is a huge stress and can lead to mood swings, irritability, anxiety or depression. Not to mention worsening of blood pressure or blood sugar if you hypertension or diabetes.

So try to get a good night’s rest at least 5 nights a week.

3- Having unrealistic expectations

One the biggest causes of mental stress and anxiety is the need for everything to be perfect during the Holidays. Wanting to find the perfect gifts or trying to have the home decorated perfectly can cause a lot of worry but to some extent are in your control. Wanting the flights to be on time, wanting the traffic not to be horrible, wanting friends and family to be on time for the party and expecting everyone to behave perfectly are things beyond ones control.

Remember that holidays are a time for compassion and giving. If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. So don't beat yourself up for not having everything perfect or get angry if things did not go as planned.

Taking some deep breaths for one minute a few times a day can do wonders in alleviating your anxiety. Meditation can also help relieve stress and anxiety.

So have some fun this holiday season but try to also have some balance in taking care of your mind, body and spirit so you can enjoy the holidays to their fullest.

Dr. Baskararajan graduated from Adichunchanagiri Institute of Medical Sciences in India in January of 1999. He completed his residency at University of Mississippi Medical School in Jackson, MS. While at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, Dr. Baskararajan represented the Psychiatry Residency Training Program at the resident symposium hosted by Emory University in 2008 and served as an active member of the residency administrative committee. Dr. Baskararajan joined the Pine Grove staff in 2009. He currently sees adult patients in an outpatient setting for assessment and medication management.

Visit www.pinegrovetreatment.com or call 1-888-574-HOPE (4673) for more information.